Dawning Daunting Questions or "Thinkin about a Ma'skeeter"

As i sit here at my ancient computer, staring into my equally ancient 15" screen 3' thick 75# dinosaur of a monitor, ("upgraded" in 07' with a brand new top-o-the-line glare guard to help keep me from going blind,)....this big old ma'skeeter came flyin cross the screen and I smacked him, just like that! Squished him in a heartbeat on the first try, with a swift and sure clap of the hands struck together "in a flash," I caught him dead-smack right in mid-air. It was a perfect execution. No sooner was the deed done when it dawned on me,...."Wow," I thought to myself, "I just kilt a living thing." And I wondered, "What kind of hypocrite am i?" Here i am always mouthing off about no-kill this and no-kill that and a respect for all living things (even the tiniest of creatures) then there i go right ahead murdering this ma'skeeter without even a thought or care, like his life didnt count fer nothin.

How can i do this? How can i be this way? How can i live with myself, me who hates contradiction, conflict, and hypocrisy?

And then theres the fact that i still eat meat (and eggs and milk and cheese and other dairy products) though of course, I no longer enjoy it like i used too, before i learned of all the cruelty involved in its production. I am trying to quit, really. Raised from an infant in a long line of "meat-and-potato" eaters, I have found that there is no doubt about it, old habits are hard to break. We are after all, creatures of habit. And I do hate myself for being a slave to them, honestly i do. Though i am eating less and less of meat and dairy, i do struggle with the issue everyday when my hunger light starts flashing. The guilt and self-loathing i feel when i catch myself realizing that i am craving meat has had the effect of helping me to eat less and less of anything, and, not wanting to sound too much like Martha Stewart, I say that is a very good thing!

So, how do I cope with these contradictions? How do i justify myself? Truth is,...i dont. i know its wrong and im wrong so i dont have to defend or justify myself, to myself or to anybody else. It is what it is and I just dont think about it. I shut down my brain and just stuff it, like i have just about everything else bad in my life.

Through this method (and years and years of off and on voluntary and involuntary counseling) i have learned that this very thing, this phenomena of "stuffing things," of "turning your mind off" from unpleasantries you dont want to think about or have to deal with,...is a self-preservation thing, or so my counselors have told me, a natural, human type of "defense mechanism," or "survival instinct," they explained. Theory is, you HAVE to dummy your true thoughts and feelings down about such negative things or feelings in order TO LIVE with yourself. You HAVE to turn off your mind,...SHUT DOWN your thinkin process in order to engage in activities you know are wrong or not good for you. And that so-called human "dummying down" mechanisim, in my humble opinion, is a primary contributor to a great deal of the problems we are experiencing in society and the world today, and yes, I know. I too am part of the problem, with my still eating meat & dairy. Yes, I too am guilty of not effecting enough change in myself according to my beliefs. Most of us "common-folk" have shut our minds off to the "grander" long range issues in life in order to cope with and get through our everyday lives. As lone individuals living in our own singular work-a-day worlds, we feel powerless to change "worldly" things in any significant way. The majority of us cant spend too much time even thinking about such "esoteric" things like "perfect" or "more perfect" worlds, or waste too much time thinkin or workin towards solving important global issues like world peace, ending poverty, over-population, consumption or long-term ecological sustainability....how could we? Most Americans, that is, those lucky enough to still have jobs, are too busy making a living trying to keep a roof over their heads and food in their pantries and clothes on their backs to even think about such "lofty" idealism. We cant even realistically dream about good paying steady jobs, or of being stay-at-home moms, or of being a two-car family, or vacations, or of really good educations or health care for our kids, or savings accounts or good credit ratings, or how to invest our money. Ha. What money? How can we be expected to "have confidence" in the system and the economy and "spend, baby spend," as they encourage us to do, ..let alone save or "be frugal," or "thrifty" when their isnt enough to go around to make ends meet in the first place? Things are such today that we dare not even dream of "the good life." We are too busy trying to preserve the meager ones we have. For most Americans, "the Dream" has become a nightmare, and there seems to be no real help for us from no one and no place left to turn or run.

Everyday we hear it in the news, stories about some poor jerk "going off," bizerko, whacking the whole family or shootin up people and places. The lousy stinkin sinkin economy plays a role in all of this. Think it dont? Think again. Americans are stressed, and justifiably so, and its showing. Crimes, particularly robberies, are on the rise, as are our suicide rates, especially among our youth and returning veterans of "the war on terror." Americans better wake up to the very real fact that we can not go on "stuffing" these critical issues plaguing our county and our communities forever. We must "unstupify" and confront ourselves on ourselves. At least, that is what the many counselors I have had over the years have consistently told me. I am just now starting to realize they were right. We cant go on stuffing things or "fooling ourselves" forever, acting like everything is "A-OK" when it is not. REAL changes must be made before we self-destruct, ourselves as well as the planet.

There is an old saying from the group-home that I think is perhaps applicable here;

"If you keep on doin what you always did you will always get what you always got," ...which in my life experiences, was a whole lot of nothin for a long long time. Ive still got some real changes to make in myself to be true to myself and my beliefs.

Its never too late for change in ourselves, but the planet wont wait for us to make the call. It will go right on deteriorating until some drastic preventative measures are taken.

There is another self-help saying from the group-home, used to motivate us into change;

"Drastic times call for drastic measures"

Is there any doubt about it? Are we not now living now in drastic times?

In this view, the dawning questions are ..how do we define "drastic" times? By which standards do we measure? Or should I say, by whoms? Certainly not the 1%ers' who rule the world now, I would hope. By their standards we would be considered a heck of a long way off from "drastic times." Despite claims of lost profits, they are all still doing "really well." It is times like these when they profit the most. Recession is good for their economies. Every red blooded American knows that, rich or porr..

This "business" of planned recession and/or depression is nothing new. They do it every now and agin to remind us all of how much we need them and how beholdin we should be to them for making it possible for us to have all the good things in life, right? Wrong.

Can you imagine what we would do without them running I mean ruining the world for us? Arent we lucky to have them around, ya think? Not. I for one would be happy to be free of the current powers-that-be (PTB) that bind us to servitude, debt & and poverty.